Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
