There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
