Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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