I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
