Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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