I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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