My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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