My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
