I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
this beer tastes like vomit already
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
