Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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