if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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