i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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