I need to stop coming to work sober
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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