she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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