you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
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You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
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I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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