It was confusing and full of hummus
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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