Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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