I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
