I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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