Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
