Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
