If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
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She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of