He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
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Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
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His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.