I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
29 People Who Do Dirty Things Just To Get Their Way
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
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It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.