any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?