I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
