Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
the condom got lost in my hair
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
