Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
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Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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