The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
