Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
