This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
