So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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