No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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