Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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