Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
