When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
