My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
