The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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