I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
