Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
