I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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