I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
