I smell stomach acid.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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