I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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