I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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