I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
