i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
