God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
