Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
