I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.