I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(