I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
