Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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