Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just cut my nipple shaving
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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