she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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