The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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