I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
